


In Our Own Way

by jeweldancer



Series: Cas and Dean [15]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dissociation, Emotional Abuse, Family Drama, M/M, Minor character threatens suicide, Panic Attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-01-05
Packaged: 2018-05-11 21:37:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5642866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeweldancer/pseuds/jeweldancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Winchesters are planning an old-fashioned family Christmas, but Castiel gets a surprise visit. What would be a happy event in some families may be his undoing.</p>
<p>“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”<br/>― Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Our Own Way

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it's taken me so long to update, and sorry I'm posting a fic set at Christmas after New Year's, but I've had some family stuff going on and haven't had the time or energy to write. This part isn't happy or fluffy, but I couldn't cut it out. It felt important to know why Castiel has such severe anxiety, and some more about his history. The next couple of parts are going to come pretty quickly; once I started writing this I didn't want to stop. 
> 
> Warning: in this fic, there is emotional abuse, mention of suicide (NOT by a main character) and a severe panic attack. If this will trigger you, please skip it. I will provide a brief synopsis later on, so you'll still know what's going on, but without the details.

"Dean, it's too early to put up a real Christmas tree. It's over two weeks away; won't it dry out by then?"

"That's a common misconception, Sammy. If you keep the thing watered it'll last a long time. And if we don't get it today, we'll have to wait til next weekend."

Dean and Sam were planning their very first Christmas with a tree since Mary Winchester had died. John had been more interested in drinking and playing pool than decorating for Christmas. After the boys moved out on their own, it had seemed frivolous for two bachelors in a small apartment to put up a tree. 

But this year, with both of them in a relationship and their lives stable and happy, it felt right. Neither of them knew jack about decorating a tree, but Jess had promised to oversee the process. Dean had learned everything he knew about a traditional family holiday by watching "Christmas Vacation", and he was determined to have the biggest tree that would fit in their apartment. And of course he and Sam would cut the tree themselves. Dean had found a Christmas tree farm forty-five minutes away. 

Castiel wouldn't be able to make the trip with them; he had to deliver a painting to a high-maintenance client. She had commissioned a portrait of her children as her parents' Christmas gift, and as the holiday drew closer she became unbearably eager. For the past few days Cas had been painting around the clock in an attempt to put a stop to her multiple daily phone calls. The fee he would receive for the painting was generous due to the last minute request, but Cas would be thankful to see the last of it.

The woman had coaxed Cas into delivering it directly to her home. Damn it, why did he have such a problem saying no to people? Castiel pulled into her driveway, marveling at the ostentatious homes of the neighborhood. They brought back less than fond memories of his parents' friends, and anxiety-ridden evenings spent at their dinner parties. Due to the expenses related to Anna's illness, his parents had never been able to afford such a lavish house. His father never cared much, but his mother had always been jealous. They owned a condo now, and while they told their friends that a small place was best for people who traveled so much, Cas knew his mother would rather have one of these gargantuan almost-mansions. 

Fortunately, Mrs. Miller was thrilled with the portrait of her young son and daughter. "It's as if they're real! You've captured them so perfectly." She wiped a tear away, taking care not to smear her eyeliner. "Now, I'm really hoping this will lessen Mother's complaining about not bringing the kids to see her often enough."

She whipped out her checkbook and insisted on adding a tip to the agreed-upon price. "No, really, young man, you've earned it. You have no idea how relieved I am. . .this is bound to be way better than anything my sister gets her."

Cas had a moment of wanting to snatch the painting away and run with it, rather than have it go to such a shallow and unappreciative home; but instead he forced a smile and wished Mrs. Miller a merry Christmas.

"The same to you, Castle. Do you have any business cards? I just know when my friends see this they may want to call you. They'll just have to be jealous they weren't the first ones to discover you!"

Cas rummaged in his glove compartment and presented her with a small stack of cards. Jess had helped him with the design on Vistaprint, saying that it was a small expense, and he never knew when they would come in handy. It wasn't so bad, really. Even if the other mothers were just as obnoxious, he was still getting to earn money doing what he loved. It was better than working retail. 

All in all, Cas's spirits were high as he returned to Dean's apartment. The Winchesters had left for the Christmas tree farm almost an hour ago, but who knew how long it would take the brothers to agree on the perfect tree. Cas threw his jacket on the couch and got to work unpacking the Christmas decorations they had bought at Sears the night before. They had waited late enough in the season that everything was already 50% off, and Dean had taken advantage of the situation to buy everything in sight. 

It was more work than Cas had expected. Why did they have to package Christmas ornaments so well? He folded each piece of packing paper carefully and tucked them back in the boxes, so that they would be easy to put away after Christmas. His phone buzzed in his pocket, and he answered it without looking. "Have you found the perfect tree yet?"

"Tree? Castiel, darling, it's your mother. You know we don't put up a Christmas tree. Your father is allergic."

Castiel felt his stomach lurch. "Mother?"

"Yes, dear, we've established that. Listen, we're in town only for today, and we want to visit you before we leave on our trip. What are you doing right now?"

Castiel took a deep breath. "Well, I just got back from delivering a painting that I sold."

"So you're at home? Lovely. We'll be right over."

Castiel's heart started hammering. He opened his mouth to say that he was at the grocery store, that he could be back at his apartment in half an hour. But he looked at the pile of Christmas decorations, and thought of Dean, and knew that now was the time for the truth. Dean had not been afraid to introduce him to his father, despite the consequences, and damned if Castiel would be ashamed of his relationship with Dean. 

He spoke quickly, before he could chicken out. "Actually, I'm at my boyfriend's apartment. We're getting ready to decorate for Christmas." 

Cas felt as if his words were echoing in the silence that followed. After a full minute, his mother finally spoke. "I don't like this, Castiel. I don't like it." She paused again for a briefer moment. "Give me the address. Your father and I are coming there right now to talk to you. I can see we should have kept up with you better while we were out of town."

It was Cas's turn to say nothing. He could hang up, he thought frantically. When she called back, he'd laugh it off and say it was all a joke. Or maybe he could throw his phone out the window. He could change his number and see how long it took his parents to track him down.

His mother's voice was demanding Dean's address, and Cas was 12 years old again, hiding in the shower while while his mother screamed at the locked bathroom door. What had he done that time? He couldn't remember. He was powerless to resist; his mother always got what she wanted. 

Cas's voice shook as he recited Dean's address, and the line went dead.

Castiel stood in the same spot for a couple of minutes, feeling unaccountably calm. He felt as if he weren't in his body anymore, and it took some concentration to direct his legs to walk over to the couch and sit down. He looked around him with mild interest, as if he'd never seen Dean's living room before, and saw the jacket he had abandoned there earlier. He slowly picked it up and hugged it to his chest, and waited. 

The knock came sudden and sharp. Cas couldn't move; he was melting into the couch. When Dean got back, he would be a puddle. 

Dean. The thought of him snapped Cas back from the brink. He had to get ahold of himself. He could do this, for Dean. 

The knocking came again, furiously. Cas rose to his feet slowly, like an old man, and propelled himself toward the door. Unlocked it. Opened it. 

Naomi Milton Novak stormed through the door like an angry hornet. Charles, Castiel's father followed her in, closing the door gingerly behind him. "So this is what you've been doing? Shacking up with your..." she paused to work up the proper level of disgust, "...your boyfriend, in some rat trap of an apartment? This place is probably infested with cockroaches!" 

Cas was immediately fired up with indignation. "Stop being ridiculous, Mother! Dean keeps this place clean as a pin, and this apartment complex is perfectly acceptable! Just because it's not as good as where your friends live..."

"My friends? Yes, let's talk about them, shall we? You mean my friends who are all mocking me behind my back because of you? It's bad enough that you've always been so unfriendly and antisocial, but now you've taken up God knows what kind of depraved activities, with some man who's probably a drug dealer..."

"God, will you listen to yourself? Dean is not a drug dealer. No one is talking about you."

"You know why he's with you, right? He only wants money, and he thinks you've got some. You think he likes you, Castiel? Once he finds out you don't really have anything, he'll be gone. You don't really know this man. You're being a fool."

Cas tried not to show it, but his lip trembled. Dean wasn't like that, Dean would never do that to him. Dean loved him, he had said so. But the doubt that always nagged at the back of his mind took hold. Maybe his mother was right; why else would Dean find him attractive? He pushed back the unwelcome thought and tried to rally.

"You're the one who doesn't know Dean! He doesn't even need any money. He has a successful business, a car shop."

Naomi was gaining traction, and she knew it. "Sure, he tells you he's successful. But you really have no idea, do you? He's told you exactly what he wants you to hear. You have no idea who this man really is!"

"I do know who he is! Dean and Sam are good people, the best!"

"And Sam? What is this, Castiel? Are you sleeping with this Sam, too? It'll be a wonder if you haven't caught some kind of disease..."

Cas's father spoke up for the first time. "For God's sake, Naomi. I highly doubt that is what's going on. Castiel has never been like that."

"Not before, but anyone can change."

Cas tried again. "Sam is Dean's brother! You should know what you're talking about, Mother, before you start saying crazy things!"

She laughed. "I'm not the crazy one, dear."

"Naomi!" Charles was shocked. "I don't think this is the best way to..."

"His brother, is that right? They're both in on it. Con men, most likely. Well, go right ahead, Castiel. Your father and I will both be dead soon, and we won't be around to take care of you when they kick you to the curb."

Cas's mind was spinning. What the hell was she talking about? "Are you or Father ill?"

"Like you would care if we were. All the trouble we've gone to with raising you, and this is what we end up with. My whole life has been a waste."

Cas was almost crying. "Mother, stop. Please. I don't even know what you're talking about. Of course I care about you both."

"I highly doubt that. I may as well just kill myself. I wish I were dead. I'll go jump off a bridge and then all of you can be happy!"

Castiel was sobbing now. Charles caught his wife by the arm. "I think we should go. We are all too excited right now to discuss this."

Naomi wrenched her arm out of his grip. "Fine. I don't imagine Castiel cares if he ever sees me alive again anyway." She shook her finger in Cas's direction. "You haven't heard the last of this." She marched out of the apartment, leaving the door open. The chilly air seeped into the living room.

Charles sighed. "Castiel, don't be like that. You know how your mother is. We'll talk in a few days." He patted Cas gingerly on the shoulder, then stepped out the door, gently shutting it behind him. 

The living room was suddenly very quiet, except for a moaning noise. It took a minute for Cas to realize that he was the one making those sounds. He sank to the floor and curled up, keening and gasping for air. There was nothing for him, nothing; his mother was right. He was a fool for trying.

The doorknob turned, and the door opened again, very slowly. Cas didn't move. Why should he? Nothing mattered anymore. 

"Hello?" Becky Rosen, Dean's next-door neighbor, stepped inside. "Is everything all right?" Her voice shook as she took in the sight of Castiel weeping on the floor. She knelt beside him and placed her hand on his arm.

"Dean," Cas whispered.

"I don't have Dean's number. I have Sam's." She searched her contact list with trembling fingers and made the call. "Sam? It's Becky, from next door. I'm with Dean's boyfriend right now. I don't know what's wrong, but someone should come home."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Naomi and Charles Novak](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5658148) by [kierathefangirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kierathefangirl/pseuds/kierathefangirl)




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